Anonymous said: Raped girlfriend: She didn't really know the guy, she had met him at a hangout beforehand. And she got super wasted, so while she was conscious, she didn't have enough energy to really stop him (her way of describing it) We both want to both just move past it. For her, she feels like she failed me and that she doesn't deserve me. For me, I just feel like our trust was betrayed because she wasn't careful with someone she didn't know. She's said sorry, I just feel like the issue hasn't been closed
Survivors of rape deal with it differently. She is blaming herself for it, and that is not uncommon. She was wasted, she could not -in any way- consent to anything with him. That is not her fault. Nobody should ever take advantage of someone in a state like that. Energy or not, saying no or not, it’s still rape if she isn’t legally able to consent due to being inebriated.
The issue here is that you’re focussing more on the trust being broken because she wasn’t careful, than on her wellbeing. I’m sure you have heard about victim-blamers when it comes to rape. You are being one. You are indirectly telling her that it’s her fault she was raped because she was not more careful. This is precisely why she can’t move forward. She feels like the rape was her fault because you’re putting so much energy on being mad that she did not stop someone from raping her when she physically couldn’t. That view needs to change.
You should be mad at the rapist for raping your girlfriend, not at your girlfriend for being raped.